A lovely couple that I coach has three children. Two are in elementary school and one is heading to the 7th grade in the fall. We have been working together for a couple of months now. Both parents are professionals, holding doctorate degrees. We chuckled together last week at some of the situations we find ourselves in as parents, that we would like better skills for handling. Sometimes we feel like complete nincompoops, don't we?
They do not mind if I share that we are working on two main areas; appropriate boundaries and skills to keep good communication going as the kids are getting older now. Our session last week brought us to the topic of cell phones. I shared this with my clients and I will share it with you. Though we had the biggest chuckles as I related this to them, the truth is, "Houston, we've got a problem".
Here's what I shared with them.
As parents of two boys, ages 18 and 24, we have been on the cell phone road with our kids for a long time now. I, for one, have felt so blessed by this invention. Blessed that I could be reached at anytime in an emergency. Blessed that my kids could coordinate when they needed to be picked up from soccer practice, or anything else. Blessed that they could use my phone when they were out and about with friends, before it was common for kids to have their own.
Now, here is the snag I was alluding to. I won't get into the pros and cons of cell phones here. I will just share our dilemma, if you want to call it that.
Kids today are so accustomed to highly responsive and immediate communications, mostly via text messaging of course, that I have had a recent wake up call. HELLO Lori. The world has changed and you'd better get into the new century! The light-bulb finally went off and I got it.
My kids had been complaining a lot lately that we never answer our cell phones when they call.
We have been astounded at this accusation. How could they feel that way? Their calls are the ones we would certainly ALWAYS answer, at any time, day or night. We always do. I have been working on trying to understand this one. Where are they getting this sense of frustration? It is so not true. So where is the misfire in perception versus reality?
It took a couple of months but I figured it out. This is a perfect example of the need for parents to understand the world our children live in as much as possible.
To me, the cell phone is a great convenience and more importantly, it is invaluable to me in parenting. However, if I am in a movie, I do not have it on. If I am in a concert, it is off. If I am listening to a speaker, or at church, it is off. In other words, I do not feel it is my responsibility to answer that cell every time it rings or texts. I do not want my life to revolve around my cell phone and I refuse to let it control me.
This is where the difference in perception rests. Our children today are growing up in a far different world. The instant gratification they get from the instantaneous and constant texting that goes on, is a huge part of their lives. They have come to expect this to be the mode of operendum for EVERYONE. Once I figured this out and sat down to talk with our boys, our conversation verified my conclusion on this topic.
They let us know that they consider it rude and inconsiderate not to answer always (for the most part). I explained that we do (for the most part), unless we are in a place that requires our phones off, or if we are entertaining...or whatever. They are not in any way being demanding. In their minds, they have come to think this is the way of the world. The issue is the difference of our "for the most part" and their "for the most part".
We let them know that while we respect their feelings, we would not change our stance on our cell phone use. We love our sons. We want them to know they can get in touch with us by leaving a message if we don't answer and that we always check for messages and return their calls ASAP. Though we love our kids, we will not let cell phones rule our lives. They, on the other hand, see it very differently. Cell phones don't rule their lives, cell phones ARE their lives.
We have 2 great kids and we are blessed with a good relationship with them. However, parents be prepared on this one. There is a generational perspective that is vastly different on this issue. Just thought I would let you in on our parenting experience here, just in case you find yourselves feeling like a role reversal is going on, as your kids chew you out and make you feel like you are will be grounded if you do not answer your cell phone every time they call or text you.
Lori Jo Kemper is a PCI Certified Parent Coach® and speaker.
Copyright 2008, Lori Jo Kemper.
